Special Guest Tracey Rawlins Says:

I do love my music.  It's not to everyone’s taste.  I cut my teeth on Dusty Springfield and Gene Pitney but I'm a child of the 80’s, the New Romantics, beer bottle tops on my shoes and a good dollop of Stock, Aitken and Waterman.  My station of choice is Radio 2.  

Mr Rawlins prefers 6 Music.  During lockdown we are united once a week for a few minutes by the Big Singalong when each BBC Radio station chooses a song.  Radio 2’s choice is usually quite middle of the road singalong feel-good.  6 Music can be a bit “left-field” but I go with it.  I'm pottering around the bedroom ready to sing along before I do the 15 second commute to the office when ColdPlay’s Fix You comes on.  It stops me dead in my tracks.  

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

I sit down.  That’s me!  That’s how I feel today!  I didn’t sleep much, a difficult day or two whirring round and round my mind.  My whole job is about being alongside people and bringing people together.  I can’t do any of that right now.  In fact, nothing I do seems to be right.  I'm a failure.  I'm stuck in reverse.  Could it get any worse?  

And the tears streamed down my face.  Hot and wet.  Lots of them.  Through them and yet far away I could still hear the music with slightly different words playing:

I will guide you home 

And ignite your bones.  

And I would love to fix you. 

And there were more tears and I felt wrung out and exhausted.   Instead of wiping my face and rushing to be on time for work, I just sat.  Still.  I felt a bit more sorry for myself and a bit more wretched.  “Oh God, what am I going to do?”  More to myself than God to be honest but of course He hears everything doesn’t He?  The song had long since finished but I could still hear “I would love to fix you”  With a big sigh, I put Morning Prayer on the App on my phone.  Better make an effort and all that.  But no. I was stuck in reverse.  Couldn’t get past the first 3 lines.

I gave up and went into the office – aka the box room.  It’s a chaotic sight – papers on every surface, textbooks in specific piles on the floor – need to read/would like to read/will probably never read. 

On top of the printer was my Bible.  Discarded after sorting out Sunday School material at the weekend.  I leafed through it and remembered Matthew 11 v 28 - ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  I read a bit more either side of that particular verse.  Is it true?  Do I really believe it?  My Bible is NIV translation but there are many more translations and sometimes it's helpful to compare them.  I switched to the internet and found a different translation :

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Sound familiar?  Tired? Worn out?  Burned out on home working, home schooling, worrying about bills and where the next meal is coming from? 

All of those things and a million others, right?  I've heard lots of people comment that the Earth is healing herself at this time – less pollution, wildlife being seen in unexpected places, skies bluer.  What about us?  Are we using this time to heal?  To rest and re-charge?  Or, as I have been doing, have we just got busier doing different stuff?  

I've learnt this week that doing and doing, churning out lots of paper and emails doesn’t really make a difference if we’ve no heart for it because we are tired and exhausted.  It's not what we would want for anyone we care about – it's certainly not what God wants.  In the Bible we read many times that Jesus went off by himself.  It’s OK – it’s allowed! 

Moving into a weekend and a Bank Holiday next week, I'm going to slow down.  I'm going to invite Jesus to walk with me when I force myself outside for 20 minutes, to work with me whether I'm writing a report or doing a video call.  I'm going to read my Bible more and watch how He does it.  Jesus was very sociable so I don’t think that will mean I have to do everything in solitude unless I want to.  Being with Him isn’t enforced like this lockdown.  With Jesus there is always choice.  

Obviously this will take me a while and I'll get bogged down and tired again like we all do.  But He will be waiting.  Ready to fix me again: I just have to ask.  There’s room for more than one music choice isn’t there?  Along with finding a new rhythm of life I look forward to learning those “unforced rhythms of grace” that Jesus offers.  

Because as the ColdPlay song says:

If you never try you'll never know 

Just what you're worth.